Applicant: Sonnets for Suits


I. [ Thoughts While Waiting for the Interview ]
[ revolving door ]
[ the waiting area near reception ]
[ photocopied lotto tickets ]
[ vending machine ]
[ rollerboard ]
[ coffee pot ]
[ another applicant ]
[ next ]

II. Interview with the Hiring Manager
Tell me about yourself.
I see you’ve worked with a lot of big brands.
Tell me about your career path.
What motivates you?
What’s your favorite project you’ve led?
What did you learn from your first job?
Describe something that showcases your initiative.
Which do you value more – recognition or pay?
What are the qualities of a great supervisor?
How do you use emotional intelligence?
How do you lead cross-functional teams?
How do you motivate others?
What’s your approach to team meetings?
How do you manage conflict?
How do you manage change?
How do you approach hard decisions? 30
How do you address negative employee feedback?
How honest are you?
What’s your biggest pet peeve?
How do you approach problem solving?
How do you think we would work together?
See this pen? Sell it to me.
How comfortable are you with computers?
If I hire you, how much will you make me?
Do you have any plans for the weekend?

III. Trial by Stakeholder (A Panel Interview)
You’re cute. Are you wearing cologne?
What is your philosophy on workplace dating?
How would you dress for a sales call?
What do you think of our offices?
What is your biggest weakness?
Why have you been unemployed for so long?
What kind of person do you find it most difficult to work with?
What’s your biggest regret?
How could a pizza delivery man benefit from carrying scissors?
Do you believe in Bigfoot?
What would your colleagues say about you?
Aren’t you too experienced? You seem too inexperienced.
Why aren’t you earning more at your age?
What did you think of your last boss?
How do you disagree with a boss?
Do you struggle to live within your means?
How do you approach people who are more successful than you?
What sacrifices will you make for our team?
Tell me about a time you put your foot in your mouth.
What’s your spirit animal?
What will you regret on your deathbed?
How are you doing?
What questions do you have for us?

IV. Questions & Answers
Tell me about a typical day.
What makes someone successful in this role?
What makes you unique in the market?
How would you justify your soft stock price?
. . a rebuttal from the chairman
Describe a typical customer
What’s a little-known fact about the company?
Tell me about the culture.
What’s your favorite part of working here?
How does management respond to employee feedback?
What is the most challenging part of this job?
What types of team activities do you do?
How do you prefer to communicate?
How do you reward good employees?
What’s one of the team’s biggest successes?
What is the typical career path for this position?
Do you have any concerns about making me an offer before I leave today?